the value of escape

sometimes my mind can only hold so much their isnt enough space in my head for life and reality i cannot cope i do not have enough space in my mind that is so over whelmed i cannot think of everything and as worries pile on it feels like i cant think of anything,

my mind goes racing along worry after worry fear overwhelming me i am parilized with anxiety, there is so much going on right now. there are so many things i just dont have any control over things i want to fix, my sisters radiation keeps cooking her brain and her thought process is even worse, now they have stopped her chemo because her platelets are to low. she is now bumping her aderol so for an hour or so she will be super hyper and i just cant keep up then she crashes out, she cant think for herself and wont listen to anyone who is trying to help her, i feel so powerless and as i see her get weaker and more confused i wish it was me instead,

she was so smart such an amazing teacher she loves to make things buetaful she just touched so many lifes she had so many dreams and plans, she has so much to live for, such a wonderful future planned for herself she has always known what she wanted to do and who she wanted to be, she loves life even now with stage three brain cancer and radiation cooking her brain she is so full of hope and faith in the future. which kills me in her shoes i would have given up years ago, in my shoes im ready to give up now but not her she went on to have her wonderful son and still plans for a future with him,

it should have been me with cancer, i never had a future planned i am suprised to be alive and not always happy about it, i never had ambition or a plan, sure before i got sick i wanted to be the best in my feild i wanted a home and life of my own i was working hard and living with someone i loved then wham i get sick with this pain and fatigue that never goes away i cant do what i did i cant work anymore and work was my life, so i have a nervous break down i cant mentaly handle the physical stress on my body. i was quite simply broken and i wanted to quit i tried several times over the worse years of my life to kill myself. of course it didnt work i ended up in a coma for several days and waking up to spend time in the stress center trying to figure out a way to cope with my new limits...

once i got the worst of the pain under control the thoughts of death as an escape went away, then with my sisters cancer coming back it just seems so selfesh and fucked up for me to want to die while she is trying so hard to live, things are so not fair i wish i could have her cancer and she could live a wonderful life but i cant change who has what wrong with them i cant change anything and i know that suicide solves nothing i am a sane and inteligant human being

still i cant help but wonder sometimes about the promise of oblivion brought with death, in the space of ten minutes i could end it all and never hurt worry or feel afraid again. nothingness sounds like bliss sometimes but i know dont worry i know it solves nothing that is selfesh and unforgivable and i am not sure what happens to us when we die but people who kill themselfs for purely selfish reasons probably dont reap many rewards for it,

im sorry for the drama i dont mean to scare people but i cant be the only person who gets that next bit of bad news and feels the camels back break inside their mind, i dont think its unique to think of death as an escape, it just scares me because of how close i have come to suceeding in the past that when now i feel overwhelmed and my thoughts turn to death as an escape for myself. of course i wont i love my family to much and they have suffered so much already that no matter how i much i might want to take a pass on finding out whats next i wont because it would crush them sucide is devistating to the survivors I am just not selfish enough to hurt them to save myself.

i want to quit it all, i dont want to wake up tommorow and face my life as i know it, i need to vent so bad i could scream, i havent dealt in any healthy way with my grief the feeling of guilt for not being with my gramps when he needed me most for not even getting to say goodbye, i was going to threapy every other week before i came to florida. i am a huge fan of therapy and think that everyone over twenty needs therpy and i have an appointment for the 20th after im home. however until then i owe you guys a nickle for free

dont have enough money to make it the next two weeks much less till the end of the month,