Time to Think

The time to think is here and I can not do more with it than wallow a little and feel lost, I have no light in the distance to guide me this time no goal that I can set forth to accomplish- I am sure that I am not needed or wanted right now by anyone who I can respect in the way that I need. I am having a very hard time finding my north on the compass I feel things spinning around me and often I forget that it is me spinning in circles like a carefree girl not the world spinning and crashing around me- What can I say or do to slow this descent into sadness and lonely places, the kind of lonely where I can be in a crowd of people and feel alone and lost. I have always tried to have a destination in mind before I start my day, a firm goal for where I will be in the end.

I am hurt wounded by life and its cruelty. The irony of being lost now when I have always had something to work for and all that I have worked so hard for has been lost over and over and now I am setting myself up for absolute failure. Once again I want a man who wants no part of me at least not any part of me that would satisfy the both of us. I am trying to be patient but tonight he says to me with total honesty not realizing at least I hope he had no idea how much it would hurt to hear him as he says that the last few weeks he has gone from thinking he might want a relationship in a few months to a few years to a few decades- He does not see it the same as I receive it I think he is saying he is more confused now then ever nothing wrong with that but what I hear is that the more time he spends with me the less time he wants to spend with anyone and he makes clear to me every two or three days now how little he wants me physically or emotionally. What can I do with that what recourse do I have he says it is making him unhappy to see me sad he just wants to know what he can do to make me happy and I do not know what to tell him I would never be happy if asked him to fake something he did not feel for me, I should know better then to fall for emotionally unavailable guys but here I am again trying to approach things from a planning perspective and seeing a man who is wonderful in so many ways that match what I care about, someone with discipline who can be trusted a man who understands respect and values it. Still with all of these virtues comes the tragic flaw as with any other man who catches my fancy he wants no part of it and is desperate it seems to toss it away again- I know because he tells me so often that it has nothing to do with me it is just that he needs to think clearly first and I also know that he will openly talk in front of me about the women he is in fact interested in. I know that even if his sex drive right now is nil when I had my period and was not willing to let him play with me he was fine with letting me play with him now even that has been taken away from me it seems like as soon as my pussy wasn't broken from bleeding he was all of a sudden to busy drunk or confused to do anything to it. Frustration just keeps mounting and I know that with out someone to care about I will not be able to give anything of myself not big or little not anything at all to anyone and if I have that ground that center that I find in a mate and partner I can do so much for everyone around me- the things I do are better and the results are swifter and more satisfying.

What am I to think about, who do I want to be, where do I want to be, who do I want to be with, what will I do with the gift that I am, what can I do to be happy. Happy for me is affirmations is soul searching and spirit walking, learning something and growing from it serving and filling satisfied in my work and pride in my home and life- Happy for me is safe and certain, it is knowing no matter what the world may bring I will be able to go back to my home base and shake it off in the end with someone who understands and appreciates me. It makes things so much harder to do this dance in limbo not knowing how to move past what I want when the only barrier is him saying he does not want anyone not just me which keeps making me have that last little inkling of hope that since he is trying so hard to make me feel like it is not me personally just the entire world in general that he is put off of, well then I hope that when he is more certain of what he wants of what works he may want me-

Back to the Boards

So the last year I have not spent hardly any time at my key board I have been lacking in discipline or motivation I have peen a present oriented hedonist when all of my relasionships fail at once it is hard to look outside myself for a source of that if everyone arround me swears I changed then perhaps they are right all the same the last year has been quite an adventure-

My anticipation has been crushed I spent almost six months living in and working towards a household I had to walk away from- You should know I do not walk away often or easily I fight like a dog to the end in order perserve my idealized vision of life- I am however a bitch when it comes to being hurt or watching people who are kind be hurt for it- I do not mind evil if it selects it targets wisely it has a role in balancing the world I am polyanna because it makes me happy not because I am to dumb to see reality and be depressed by it I am just happier looking at reality and seeing it the way I know it could be instead of how really is-

either way the delusion of happy and safe crumbled around my respect for him lost without hope of repair in my eyes his actions and lack of judgement had gone to far, I ran to ground and back on the boards again- I can only be a patient friend for so long I know I am loved but never as a lover I am used but only as a weapon or a pawn never as a partner or friend How can I feel so upset at myself for wanting love with the last fool who told me up front I would never be who wanted then move myself still raw into a home so freshly broken her smell is on my pillow- His tears are on my lap and I know there will never be room in him for me he does not want even if he had a girl size hole in himself to fill I would not be his choice so why is it so hard for me take-

I have a dream of what I can be a help mate a caretaker a lover and confidant a partner to grow with and dream with to plan to scheme with instead I am just some girl who is seen as to nice for her own good, what a silly thing to say about someone- How could I ever be to nice, Still here I sit torn wanting to comfort him and make him happy again and wanting to slap him for ever loving her and wanting to slap myself for ever loving him and what a tangled web we weave when life sets us on our paths to receive...

What the real sad part is all that precedeing drama isn't even my own that is all the new drama I moved into when I moved out of the household I was forced to flee- Call me overly emotional if you like and he did- this time by he I mean the ex scum lord- but when you invite the entire internet into your home that hasn't been cleaned for at least six months you do not wait till the last few days and let your disabled roomate rope her friends into helping her create a white tornado= three grown adults working 24 hours in two days- while four other people live there two as his slaves still I was the only one who had the sense to try and slap some lipstick on the hog that is his crumbling down house-

this was a month ago and by far the worst month of the year for me so far, if I am lucky it will be the worst of the year the rest can just be gravy for me but I do not know that will even be anywhere near in the books for me- Right now i am hunkering down and trying to write my way right in the situation-