Back to the Boards

So the last year I have not spent hardly any time at my key board I have been lacking in discipline or motivation I have peen a present oriented hedonist when all of my relasionships fail at once it is hard to look outside myself for a source of that if everyone arround me swears I changed then perhaps they are right all the same the last year has been quite an adventure-

My anticipation has been crushed I spent almost six months living in and working towards a household I had to walk away from- You should know I do not walk away often or easily I fight like a dog to the end in order perserve my idealized vision of life- I am however a bitch when it comes to being hurt or watching people who are kind be hurt for it- I do not mind evil if it selects it targets wisely it has a role in balancing the world I am polyanna because it makes me happy not because I am to dumb to see reality and be depressed by it I am just happier looking at reality and seeing it the way I know it could be instead of how really is-

either way the delusion of happy and safe crumbled around my respect for him lost without hope of repair in my eyes his actions and lack of judgement had gone to far, I ran to ground and back on the boards again- I can only be a patient friend for so long I know I am loved but never as a lover I am used but only as a weapon or a pawn never as a partner or friend How can I feel so upset at myself for wanting love with the last fool who told me up front I would never be who wanted then move myself still raw into a home so freshly broken her smell is on my pillow- His tears are on my lap and I know there will never be room in him for me he does not want even if he had a girl size hole in himself to fill I would not be his choice so why is it so hard for me take-

I have a dream of what I can be a help mate a caretaker a lover and confidant a partner to grow with and dream with to plan to scheme with instead I am just some girl who is seen as to nice for her own good, what a silly thing to say about someone- How could I ever be to nice, Still here I sit torn wanting to comfort him and make him happy again and wanting to slap him for ever loving her and wanting to slap myself for ever loving him and what a tangled web we weave when life sets us on our paths to receive...

What the real sad part is all that precedeing drama isn't even my own that is all the new drama I moved into when I moved out of the household I was forced to flee- Call me overly emotional if you like and he did- this time by he I mean the ex scum lord- but when you invite the entire internet into your home that hasn't been cleaned for at least six months you do not wait till the last few days and let your disabled roomate rope her friends into helping her create a white tornado= three grown adults working 24 hours in two days- while four other people live there two as his slaves still I was the only one who had the sense to try and slap some lipstick on the hog that is his crumbling down house-

this was a month ago and by far the worst month of the year for me so far, if I am lucky it will be the worst of the year the rest can just be gravy for me but I do not know that will even be anywhere near in the books for me- Right now i am hunkering down and trying to write my way right in the situation-

disapointed

What upset me was that you seemed to take pleasure in hurting, You knew I was disappointed and it would have cost you nothing to comfort me first, to let me know that you would or at least might make it up to me at some point, to acknowledge that you were doing something hurtful to ditch me and that you ruined my time at the party because you simply didn't find it worth the effort to pay attention to me or play with me so that i could enjoy any kind of quality sub space-

you knew before hand that i was feeling emotionally raw and still you show a complete lack of consideration I expected better of you, despite what others had told me I thought that you were a reasonable and intelligent man who would understand what i needed as a friend. You are making it very hard for me to treat you with respect of justify any of the kindness I show you. When you show me no respect or consideration,

I am glad you had a good time but hope you can understand why i was so hurt and disappointed, I had been waiting all week for some time with you, I was already in a rare funk when the day began then you simply dropped the ball at the party, even if your plan had been to go home with whoever would take you at the end of the night you could have had the decency to show me a good time first- You should be ashamed of yourself for treating anyone the way you have treated me and if this were the first time it had happened I would be more mad at you then I am at myself but this time around I will shoulder at least half the blame... It sounds so ridiculous to say but I should have known better then to expect you to treat me with any compassion- I hope you can understand how disappointing that is when I have never given even the slightest reason to treat me so callously- It was kicking me when I was down and you could so easily have made everything bearable for me and still had your fun if you had only acknowledged me but maybe that is the point of all this- to push me away - do you have any reason not to want me - by what scale have you judged me and found me not good enough to be your friend-

do you simply like to hurt people emotionally is that were you get your jollies by making girls cry and feel unloved and unwanted when you know that what you think of them matters to them do you undermine them on purpose so that you can see the crushed look in her eyes and know that the bruise on her ego will last longer then any you could leave on her flesh- Are you sick enough to delight in causing hope to wither and die. To hurt someone who admires you and has gone out of there way to be kind to you is a horrid thing to do, I know that you want things to be drama free and the can be if you would show a little consideration I would never have stood in the way fo your fun either on purpose or by accident-

Anticipation

Anticipation can be so sweet as i oil my skin with sweet scent planning for later when it will be warmed by his hand. Fresh from the shower with nothing and everything on my mind at once I am so tempted to turn the water back on and touch myself until if find my relief but no the anticipation is enough and waiting will just build my excitement to a frenzy making the release so much sweeter for the virtue of my waiting.

firm resolve does nothing to keep me from absent mindfully pinching my pink nipples, enjoying the feel of them harden under my touch looking in the mirror at my lusty body almost quivering. Running the oil in the wispy curls over my hungry pussy. Needing to look at myself i push in my fingers, spread my lips open looking at the glistening desire almost dripping from me. I licked my fingers clean tasting myself flavored over the sweet oil.

I realize that getting myself ready is a form of foreplay so effective i only wish you were here with me to heighten the ritual. I hate to cover myself with cloths for any period of time but i know that the wearing of them with you is just to make my anticipation greater, to make me all the more hungry for the release from them the kiss of your eyes on my flesh, I enjoy the look you give me in front of others as if you know in the snap of finger you could take me, i would always yield to you, give in to any demand fulfill any desire of yours that i could in order to earn your praise, a second of your affection.

The pleasure I get from giving to you exceeds almost any other I have ever felt, gathering my mind for submission to your will gathering my heart to wear on my sleeve I dress and rush through my make up cursing all the time i spent being a drugged out tom boy instead of a pretty girl who would be good with makeup, I do my best and rush away from the mirror before I can pick myself apart...

breasts heavy in my bra, panties already damp as i load up into my car, thankful that driving takes both hands or i would be to tempted to resist pleasing my self on the roadway as i speed to your arms... HOPE JOY PEACE wash over me in your embrace if you only knew the power you could have over me you would run a million miles to flee from my hungry eyes...

for me this is why the anticipation is almost better then reality, eager hopeful when i get ready for you i radiate the joy i feel at the thought of being wanted, desired and able to please you, knowing all along that in reality the more i care for you the less you will care for me, what a terrible tug of war this is to try and make myself want you less just so that you will want me more. what a childish game of denial we are indulging in, when we could bring such bliss to each other if only we knew how to allow ourselves.