Back to the Boards

So the last year I have not spent hardly any time at my key board I have been lacking in discipline or motivation I have peen a present oriented hedonist when all of my relasionships fail at once it is hard to look outside myself for a source of that if everyone arround me swears I changed then perhaps they are right all the same the last year has been quite an adventure-

My anticipation has been crushed I spent almost six months living in and working towards a household I had to walk away from- You should know I do not walk away often or easily I fight like a dog to the end in order perserve my idealized vision of life- I am however a bitch when it comes to being hurt or watching people who are kind be hurt for it- I do not mind evil if it selects it targets wisely it has a role in balancing the world I am polyanna because it makes me happy not because I am to dumb to see reality and be depressed by it I am just happier looking at reality and seeing it the way I know it could be instead of how really is-

either way the delusion of happy and safe crumbled around my respect for him lost without hope of repair in my eyes his actions and lack of judgement had gone to far, I ran to ground and back on the boards again- I can only be a patient friend for so long I know I am loved but never as a lover I am used but only as a weapon or a pawn never as a partner or friend How can I feel so upset at myself for wanting love with the last fool who told me up front I would never be who wanted then move myself still raw into a home so freshly broken her smell is on my pillow- His tears are on my lap and I know there will never be room in him for me he does not want even if he had a girl size hole in himself to fill I would not be his choice so why is it so hard for me take-

I have a dream of what I can be a help mate a caretaker a lover and confidant a partner to grow with and dream with to plan to scheme with instead I am just some girl who is seen as to nice for her own good, what a silly thing to say about someone- How could I ever be to nice, Still here I sit torn wanting to comfort him and make him happy again and wanting to slap him for ever loving her and wanting to slap myself for ever loving him and what a tangled web we weave when life sets us on our paths to receive...

What the real sad part is all that precedeing drama isn't even my own that is all the new drama I moved into when I moved out of the household I was forced to flee- Call me overly emotional if you like and he did- this time by he I mean the ex scum lord- but when you invite the entire internet into your home that hasn't been cleaned for at least six months you do not wait till the last few days and let your disabled roomate rope her friends into helping her create a white tornado= three grown adults working 24 hours in two days- while four other people live there two as his slaves still I was the only one who had the sense to try and slap some lipstick on the hog that is his crumbling down house-

this was a month ago and by far the worst month of the year for me so far, if I am lucky it will be the worst of the year the rest can just be gravy for me but I do not know that will even be anywhere near in the books for me- Right now i am hunkering down and trying to write my way right in the situation-