Fantasy In Motion

As I wander thru this life and all that it is i learn more and more about my self and the world. about the universe and my dreams, what drives me to action and what only stirs my mind with few other results. A truth I would like to propose is that our fantasies are in motion, we are all in a flux between what we want and what we have, as we get what we are after that goal will just change so that we want more...



What a wonderful order for my life to fall into, I form a true DESIRE which will prompt ACTION and that will produce in my reality REWARDS in the form of what i DESIRE. How wonderful is that system, but wait it gets better because left as is i would quickly have everything i want from the world and be left with nothing to desire, and we know a life without desire is not for me. So the universe lets me refine and detail my dreams as i go as they take shape in my mind and form in my life. Fantasy in motion, contently being able to write in more and more of my own content to my life....



No longer will i be a slave to the programing i was born with to the life station i am pre assigned from birth. I am free to CREATE with my MIND and BODY a better world for myself. I have the TOOLS that i need in order to have everything i desire so long as i can keep setting further goals and fostering new desire in my soul. It is a matter of staying in a constant state of motion in the direction of the emotion of joy, relief and bliss. It is time to wake up and move in the direction of my desire, to keep my fantasy in motion i must be moving towards it.

fantasy

Once there was a girl with red brown hair and giant doe eyes and a sweet smile. she traveled though life on a wing and a prayer. she did some things she was sorry for and other things she was proud of but mostly was a hedonist doing what she enjoyed which just happened to be bringing joy to others. She would work every day to make at least one person feel good, she was honest and true and always remembered to be nice because nice mattered to her. She lived by the motto love like you have never been hurt. Which lead her to so much heartache she would cry herself to sleep.

One night outside her yurt an older man was passing by and heard the beautiful young women crying all alone at the edge of a field under a full moon, praying for the night to deliver someone to love her. The old man had often seen her walking in the village laughing with her friends she always seemed busy and happy he never once thought she might need someone to need her. He called to the girl in the moonlight scaring her a bit and asked her why she felt so alone, the girl replied unsure yet of who was in the brush, that even though she was surrounded by people no one understood her, no one would take charge of her, and more then anything she could imagine she wanted to have a strong wise man take her in hand and teach her and love her but more then that she wanted him to know her, really know her.

Hidden in the bush the man was afraid to speak or move for fear this was all a dream and pressing through the brush would push him through the veil and back into himself away from her. Back to days of watching this lovely girl from afar seeing her flounder but afraid to cast her the line of his wisdom knowing in the end when the final line is written we all lose everything we love and the crushing pain of death and harder agony of those who chose to flee will end every love, friendship or hatred on earth. No matter how close we get to other humans death will part us all, ending petty differences in an instant. Finely he was all alone to watch the pretty girls and dream but never draw nearer unless he could find the courage he needed to answer her desperate call with his real self. So hidden behind his walls he never imagined love, Until now, calling out again he cried to her that she was no mystery to him, for years he watched he tells her her favorite color is green and her eyes are brown and deep but flash gold in the sun, that when she is sick she likes to be alone, and that when she laughs really hard she snorts and more he told her his dreams of her in the future he seduced her with praise for her talents and she in turn began to bloom under the moonlight. At last pushing his had through the bush the sting of the branches relieved him surely he was awake or they would have parted for him like velvet curtains instead of resisting his motion as if to protect the damsel at the edge of the field, at the edge of discovery....

the value of escape

sometimes my mind can only hold so much their isnt enough space in my head for life and reality i cannot cope i do not have enough space in my mind that is so over whelmed i cannot think of everything and as worries pile on it feels like i cant think of anything,



my mind goes racing along worry after worry fear overwhelming me i am parilized with anxiety, there is so much going on right now. there are so many things i just dont have any control over things i want to fix, my sisters radiation keeps cooking her brain and her thought process is even worse, now they have stopped her chemo because her platelets are to low. she is now bumping her aderol so for an hour or so she will be super hyper and i just cant keep up then she crashes out, she cant think for herself and wont listen to anyone who is trying to help her, i feel so powerless and as i see her get weaker and more confused i wish it was me instead,



she was so smart such an amazing teacher she loves to make things buetaful she just touched so many lifes she had so many dreams and plans, she has so much to live for, such a wonderful future planned for herself she has always known what she wanted to do and who she wanted to be, she loves life even now with stage three brain cancer and radiation cooking her brain she is so full of hope and faith in the future. which kills me in her shoes i would have given up years ago, in my shoes im ready to give up now but not her she went on to have her wonderful son and still plans for a future with him,



it should have been me with cancer, i never had a future planned i am suprised to be alive and not always happy about it, i never had ambition or a plan, sure before i got sick i wanted to be the best in my feild i wanted a home and life of my own i was working hard and living with someone i loved then wham i get sick with this pain and fatigue that never goes away i cant do what i did i cant work anymore and work was my life, so i have a nervous break down i cant mentaly handle the physical stress on my body. i was quite simply broken and i wanted to quit i tried several times over the worse years of my life to kill myself. of course it didnt work i ended up in a coma for several days and waking up to spend time in the stress center trying to figure out a way to cope with my new limits...



once i got the worst of the pain under control the thoughts of death as an escape went away, then with my sisters cancer coming back it just seems so selfesh and fucked up for me to want to die while she is trying so hard to live, things are so not fair i wish i could have her cancer and she could live a wonderful life but i cant change who has what wrong with them i cant change anything and i know that suicide solves nothing i am a sane and inteligant human being



still i cant help but wonder sometimes about the promise of oblivion brought with death, in the space of ten minutes i could end it all and never hurt worry or feel afraid again. nothingness sounds like bliss sometimes but i know dont worry i know it solves nothing that is selfesh and unforgivable and i am not sure what happens to us when we die but people who kill themselfs for purely selfish reasons probably dont reap many rewards for it,



im sorry for the drama i dont mean to scare people but i cant be the only person who gets that next bit of bad news and feels the camels back break inside their mind, i dont think its unique to think of death as an escape, it just scares me because of how close i have come to suceeding in the past that when now i feel overwhelmed and my thoughts turn to death as an escape for myself. of course i wont i love my family to much and they have suffered so much already that no matter how i much i might want to take a pass on finding out whats next i wont because it would crush them sucide is devistating to the survivors I am just not selfish enough to hurt them to save myself.



i want to quit it all, i dont want to wake up tommorow and face my life as i know it, i need to vent so bad i could scream, i havent dealt in any healthy way with my grief the feeling of guilt for not being with my gramps when he needed me most for not even getting to say goodbye, i was going to threapy every other week before i came to florida. i am a huge fan of therapy and think that everyone over twenty needs therpy and i have an appointment for the 20th after im home. however until then i owe you guys a nickle for free





dont have enough money to make it the next two weeks much less till the end of the month,