feeling the loss....

OK, I know I post everyday and I love it, but yesterday the thought didn't even cross my mind. Yesterday I lost a women a love and today, this week, this year, perhaps the rest of my life I will feel the loss of her. I am not sorry that she died yesterday I will not be mad at the world or fate for her early end. every day with her was a pleasure, and every memory we had made together will be treasured by me for all of my days to come.

so i sit here and cry and bear my soul because to share my pain might ease it for a minute. when Shelly was only 44 she went for her first mammogram where lumps were found in both breasts, they moved quickly to biopsy worried at the size of the masses. it was malignant cancer and she went through a double mastectomy the week of her 45th birthday. it was not soon enough her cancer had spread to her bones, and yesterday at the early age of 48 the light in the wonderful women's eyes went out forever.

i am more sad for me then i am for her, but isn't that the way with death. you aren't really mourning the people who have "gone to a better place" you mourn the people who are left behind to suffer the loss. after 4 long years of battle of chemotherapy and radiation, of the agony of bone cancer and being drugged into a shadow of herself. she was ready to go, we were ready for her not to suffer anymore, but now that it has happened i am inconsolable. her husband and i spent the day going over the plans she made and left for us. you would think my tears would run out at some point but it seems i am a bottomless well,

we opened a bottle of her favorite wine, and shared some of her favorite medicine (the herbal kind) and remembered every goofy thing she had ever done with us, we contacted the call trees we had in place for this day, we posted what was needed on the net, and we cried because we couldn't be with her, i am never certain what to think of death i mean what happens to us, but i do know she is no longer in pain, and if there is a heaven she has a place in it.

even in death she makes us laugh as we go through her plans and see she has every detail of her final arrangement's made, both the family ceremony with a viewing and pictures on display, we were sobbing like lost baby's when we watched the slide show of pictures she had made, and secret plans for a bonfire party to celebrate her life to drink and smoke and dance like fools.

i am facing loss on all sides and she was still my shelter in the storm she was sick but never broken by it, she was so much stronger than i could ever be i am blessed to have known her at all. life can be so much sometimes i don't have words, i wish you could see how i am feeling right now. how frightening it is to think one day we all will only live in memory.

treasure your friends, plan for tomorrow, love one another and never ever forget how easy it is to lose the ones you love the most. she is asking for contributions to NORML an organization that works for legalization of marijuana, for her it is a matter of compassionate care. it is a medicine that works so why deny a safe herbal remedy in favor of morphine. so if you have an extra 5 bucks send it their way so that they can do some good getting legislation changed.

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